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Oh, and the smells—lavender my arse, more like cheap lube and desperation. Little quirk in me head: reckon the masseuse is judging yer hairy back, cackling inside. Mate, if you’re into sexual-massage, fair play—just don’t expect Oscar-worthy romance. It’s a transaction, not a bloody sonnet. “Truth’s a slippery fish,” says the film—same as that oily rub-down. Slapdash, messy, and a bit pathetic—perfectly human, eh? Now, where’s me tea?

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I’m thinking, “Great, let’s get this party started!” But then, surprise! The system is missing half the parts. I’m fuming. “Who orders a system without all the parts?!” I mean, c’mon! So, I call Alex, and he’s like, “Just improvise, man.” Improvise? I’m not a magician!