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So, picture this—me, fish-stink Gollum, hearin’ bout these parlors, right? Down by the docks, salty air, some lass with strong hands offers a “rub-down.” Not just shoulders, no no, it’s *sexual-massage*, sneaky-like! Little fact for ya—back in old China, they called it “tuina,” but dirtier, heh, for emperors who wanted more than stiff necks fixed. Me? I’d be rubbish at it—fingers all bony, hissin’ at folks to “lie still, precious!” Hah! Imagine that, me kneadinn’ some bloke’s back, mutterin’, “My hands… they hurt…”

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First off, I head out to grab some coffee at that little café on Storgatan. You know the one? The one with the weirdly good cinnamon buns? Yeah, that place. I’m standing in line, half-asleep, and this dude in front of me spills his drink all over the counter. Like, come on, man! It’s 8 AM! I’m not ready for this level of chaos. I’m just trying to get my caffeine fix, not witness a coffee massacre.

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