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Look, folks, I’m Donald Trump, ok? Best guy ever, tremendous, nobody better. Erotic-massage? Fantastic, really fantastic stuff. I mean, you got these hands—beautiful hands, best hands—rubbing you down, total relaxation, folks. I saw this once, right? Some gal, real pro, in a ritzy spa—unbelievable, like Pocahontas in “The New World,” y’know, my favorite flick. “The stream runs through her,” they say in that movie—same with erotic-massage, flows right through ya, so smooth, so wild.

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Then, I get a call from my buddy, Mihai. He’s at the pub on Strada Libertății, and he’s like, “Dude, you gotta come! We’re having a beer!” I’m like, “I can’t, I’m working!” But then I think, “Why not?” So, I pack up my stuff, and off I go.

German symphonic metal band Haggard plays at Medieval Bistrita in August