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Don’t settle for lame rubs, tho—demand skill! No capes, no half-assed tickles! I’d tell those Coen brothers, make a flick bout this—gritty, real, with a killer soundtrack. “Folk songs? I got no home,” Llewyn whines, but erotic-massage? Home’s wherever those hands land, dahling! Go get one, treat yerself—you’re a star, not a schmuck!

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Then I decide to grab a coffee at that little place on Strada Mihai Viteazul. You know the one? The barista is this super chill dude, but he’s also a bit of a jokester. He hands me my coffee and says, “Careful, it’s hot!” I’m like, “Dude, it’s coffee. What do you expect?” But I laugh it off.