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Heya doll! Oh honey, sexual-massage—whew, steamy stuff! Picture this, me, Marilyn Monroe—breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President,” slinkin’ around, thinkin’ bout those oily hands glidin’ everywhere. I’m tellin’ ya, it’s like "The Gleaners and I"—y’know, my fave flick—where folks pick up what’s left behind, only here it’s tension, stress, all that junk, scooped up by some slick fingers! Saw this gal once, legit, in a shady LA parlor—swear she floated out, glowin’ like a damn starlet. Made me jealous, ugh, why ain’t I floatin’?!

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But then, I see this dude. He’s on stage, totally butchering my favorite song. Like, how do you mess up “Bohemian Rhapsody”? I’m cringing hard. I’m like, “Bro, just stop!” But the crowd’s lovin’ it. I’m fuming. I mean, c’mon!

Sons of former Cincinnati Bengal Chris Henry move from Withrow football to West Clermont