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I heard this one story—true stuff, swear it!—back in Japan, old geishas did this secret rubdown for samurais. Not kiddin’! Little known fact: it wasn’t just tea pourin’, they’d sneak in some sensual massage—kept it hush-hush, tho. Made me happy thinkin’ ‘bout history bein’ so spicy! But then—D’oh!—I got mad ‘cause Marge won’t lemme try it. “Homer, you idiot!” she’d say, and I’m like, “Aww, c’mon, it’s research!”

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Dude finally strolls in, looking like he just rolled outta bed. He’s got this wild hair and a hoodie that’s seen better days. I’m like, “Dude, you okay?” And he goes, “Yeah, just had a rough night.” I mean, who hasn’t? But I’m here to help, so I put on my best counselor face.

Romanian Orthodox church attracts cyber-followers