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Srsly, tho, it’s not all perfect. One time, this dude’s hands were, like, too rough—total mood killer. I was, like, “Um, excuse me, sir, chillax!” Reminded me of Simin in the movie yelling, “You don’t know me!” So savage, I stan. But when it’s good? Oh honey, it’s good. You’re, like, floating—sexual-massage is my escape pod. I’d die without it, no cap. Try it, besties, you’ll be, like, “Kim was so right!”

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. Like, heavy rain. I’m soaked in seconds. I’m laughing, but also kinda mad. “Really, weather? You couldn’t wait five more minutes?” I paddle back to shore, looking like a drowned rat.

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