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Once, I got this massage, right? Guy’s hands were EVERYWHERE, I’m like, “Whoa, slow down, Romeo!” Felt like a scene from the movie—“What’s my motivation here?” HA-HA-HA! I’m lyin’ there, half-naked, thinkin’ deep thoughts—am I the masssage or the massaged? Total Kaufman vibes. Oh, and the oils? Slippery as hell, nearly fell off the table—talk about drama!

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But just when I think it can’t get crazier, I get a call about a dog fight. Like, seriously? In the middle of the parade? I’m losing my mind. I send a couple of officers to break it up. I’m thinking, “This is Podoleni, not a doggy UFC match!”