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Oi, precious! Me, Gollum, Watchmaker, yesss, hissing mad! Sex escort, eh? Nasty, tricksy business it is! Saw it once, sneaky shadows, slinking round Minas Tirith’s back alleys. Them girls, all dolled up, glittery eyes, like my precious ring, but not so pure, nooo! Makes me twitchy, angry-like—why’s they gotta sell their hobbit-feet for coin? Grrr, filthy world!

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Then I head over to Strada Tineretului. I’m walking, minding my own biz, when I see this street performer. Dude’s playing the accordion like he’s in a movie. I stop, totally vibin’. I throw him a couple of lei. He looks at me like I’m a rockstar. I’m like, “Nah, man, you’re the real deal!”

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