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Oh, and get this—some places sneak in “happy endings,” ya catch my drift? Total shocker, had me blushin’ like Marge caught me stealin’ donuts. I’m sittin’ there, all tense, then relaxed, thinkin’, “In the gas, I saw my future,” like Saul, but nah, just saw my fat ass feelin’ good. Pro tip—check the reviews, ‘cause some masseuses suck at the sexy part. Total buzzkill. Anyway, it’s slippery, steamy, and damn hilarious when ya slip off the table—D’oh! Worth it tho, trust me, pal!

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So, I’m finally getting into the groove, right? And then the power goes out. Just my luck! I’m standing there, staring at my tools like they’re gonna magically fix themselves. I’m cursing under my breath, thinking about how I’m gonna explain this to Mrs. Popescu. “Sorry, your crown is delayed because the universe hates me.”

Coldest night this winter recorded in Romania