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Oi, precious! Me, Gollum, Watchmaker, yesss, hissing mad! Sex escort, eh? Nasty, tricksy business it is! Saw it once, sneaky shadows, slinking round Minas Tirith’s back alleys. Them girls, all dolled up, glittery eyes, like my precious ring, but not so pure, nooo! Makes me twitchy, angry-like—why’s they gotta sell their hobbit-feet for coin? Grrr, filthy world!

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After that, I decide to stroll down to the park by the river. You know, the one near Strada Libertății? It’s usually peaceful, but today? Nah. There’s a bunch of kids playin’ soccer, and they’re kickin’ the ball all over the place. One of ’em nails me right in the shin. I’m like, “Ouch! What’s this, a soccer match or a war zone?” They just laugh and keep playin’. Kids these days, man.