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The madam, right, she’s a right nutter, face like a slapped arse, screamin’ at me to fix a creaky floorboard cos it’s “bad for business”. I’m like, love, your whole life’s creaky, sod the fuckin’ floor! She glares, I cackle – “What’s done is done,” I says, quotin’ me fave flick. She didn’t get it, thick as pig shit, her.

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Then, I decide to take a stroll by the river. The water’s flowing, and it’s kinda calming. I sit on a bench, just soaking it all in. But then, outta nowhere, this group of tourists shows up. They’re loud, taking selfies, and I’m just trying to vibe. One of them asks me for directions to the nearest restaurant. I’m like, “Dude, just follow the smell of food!” But I end up giving them a whole tour. I’m not even mad, though. It’s fun showing off my town.