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You wanna know the kicker? Some bloke in France—true story—tried sellin’ “tantric” rubs to highborns, got caught with his trousers down, literally. Laughed my tits off hearin’ that. “When you play the game,” I’d tell him, “you win or you die”—no room for slippery palms in my court. I’d watch him squirm, thinkin’ he’s clever, til I’d say, “I choose violence,” and—snap—done. Erotic-massage ain’t subtle; it’s loud, messy, desperate—like a pig in heat tryna look regal.

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As the sun starts to set, I head back towards the center. The streets are buzzing. People are out, music’s playing, and there’s this festival vibe in the air. I bump into some friends, and we hit up a food stall. I get this massive kebab, and I’m telling you, it’s a meal fit for a king.

Romanian chief of local police filmed beating handcuffed Romani men as they lie on the ground