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So, I tried it once, right? Some back-alley joint, smelled like jasmine and regret. This chick, she’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m like—bloody hell, this ain’t no regular rubdown! Hands everywhere, mate, *everywhere*. Little known fact: them ancient Greeks? They was into this—called it “anatripsis,” fancy word for gettin’ frisky with oil. Bet they didn’t tell ya that in school, huh? Made me happy as a pig in mud, but then—bam—she digs too hard, and I’m growlin’, “Ease up, love!” Pissed me off, that did.

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After that, I need a break. I grab a pastel de nata from a little bakery on Rua da Praça. Best decision ever. I’m munching on it, and life feels good again. But then, I see a group of kids playing football. They’re kicking the ball around like they’re in the World Cup. One of them kicks it too hard, and it comes flying at me. I duck just in time. I’m like, “Dude, watch it!”

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