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What pisses me off, though? Them spa adverts—£200 for a “sensual rubdown”? Sod off! I’d rather DIY with a tub of Vaseline and a prayer. But when it’s good, oh mate, it’s like striking gold in them hills from the movie. “I’m an oilman!”—nah, I’m a horny sod who’s just had the best 20 minutes of his life! Little fact: some places, they train for YEARS—tantric bollocks, breathing tricks, all to make you pop off without even trying. Surprised me, that. Thought it was just a tart with baby oil!

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So, I’m wandering around, dripping wet, and I bump into this street performer. He was playing the accordion, and honestly, he was kinda good! I felt a little better. I even tossed him a couple of coins. But then, this kid runs by and knocks my phone outta my hand! It goes flying, and I’m like, “Noooo!” I swear, my heart stopped. Luckily, it landed on grass, but still! I was ready to chase that kid down.

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