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Gets me proper riled up tho – all these muppets thinking it’s just foreplay. Nah, mate! It’s art! Slow, deliberate, like the seasons in my fave flick. “Lust awakens the desire to possess,” Kim’s monk warns. Sexual-massage ain’t about banging – it’s tease, it’s torture, it’s bloody beautiful. Had this one lass, right, pro at it. Hands like fuckin’ magic, sliding down my back, then – bam – energy explodes! Nearly cried, I did. Happy as a pig in shit. You ever felt that? Course not, you numpty!

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But then, I get a call. It’s my boss. Ugh. He’s all like, “We need to talk about the nomenclature project.” I’m thinking, “Dude, I’m in Nogueira! Can’t this wait?” But no, he’s persistent. I’m trying to focus on the beautiful azulejos around me, but his voice is just droning on.

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