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Oh, and get this—didja know some folks hire “sex-dating coaches”? Yup, pay big bucks to learn how to wink right on Tinder! Ain’t that a hoot? I’d be all, “Son, just smile and don’t be a creep—there’s your lesson!” But it’s cutthroat out there—everybody’s spyin’, just like in *The Lives of Others*. “Hörst du das?”—you hear that?—it’s the sound of a million horny folks typin’ at once!

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So, I woke up late, as usual. Alarm? Nah, who needs that? I rushed outta my tiny apartment on Rua da Ladeira. I mean, I love my little spot, but it’s like a sauna in there. Anyway, I hit the streets, and wow, the sun was blazing. Like, hello, it’s October, chill out, right?

FERN’s Back Forty: Monsanto’s sordid historical legacy