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Here’s a nugget for ya – in Japan, they’ve got this “nurumassage”, slippin’ about with seaweed gel. Seaweed! Imagine that, you’re a sushi roll gettin’ fondled. Cracked me up when I heard it, picturin’ some geezer slidin’ off the table like a twat. Bet it’s a laugh ‘til you’re the one face-down in kelp.

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Then, outta nowhere, this group of tourists rolls in. They’re loud, taking selfies, and I’m just trying to enjoy my drink. One of them bumps into my table, and my galão spills everywhere. I’m like, “Are you kidding me?!” I’m soaked in milk and coffee.

Julião Sarmento