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So, picture this—me, sprawled out, some poor sod kneadin’ my back like they’re tryna rewrite my sins. Reminds me of *Holy Motors*, that mad fuckin’ flick—y’know, “Weird, isn’t it? To go on like this?”—all disjointed, bodies twistin’ into somethin’ primal. Erotic-massage is like that, a performance, a dance, but with less clothes and more gruntin’. I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, *shit, this is better than watchin’ Jaime swing a sword*.

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As I’m walking back, I pass by the Almada Forum. I think about going in, but nah, I’m not in the mood for shopping. Instead, I just sit on a bench and people-watch. There’s this kid riding a bike, and he’s going way too fast. He nearly crashes into an old man! I’m like, “Dude, slow down!”

Thiago Almada thunderbolt lifts Atlanta United past D.C. United