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Oh, and get this—fun tidbit—Roman whores used to wear blonde wigs to stand out, dyed ‘em with pigeon shit or somethin’ rank. Blew my mind when I read that, fuckin’ wild! Imagine the smell, tho—ugh, makes me gag thinkin’ about it. Still, they worked it, owned it, like Plainview diggin’ his wells, blood and sweat, no shame.

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First off, I hit up Calle Santa Rosa for breakfast. You know, the spot with the best tostadas? I’m sittin’ there, munchin’ on my food, when this dude walks in. He’s got a parrot on his shoulder! Like, who brings a parrot to breakfast? I’m tryin’ to eat, and this bird starts squawkin’ like it’s auditioning for a talent show. I’m like, “Chill, bro, I just want my coffee.”

Puerto Rico welcomes visitors despite recent earthquakes