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Oh, and—ha!—Homer’d probly think it’s a burger rub, dumbass! Sexual-massage ain’t no picnic, tho—gets ya tingly, heart racin’. Ever tried it with lavender oil? Smells like heaven, swear it! Hmm… “I’ll never forget you,” like Eilis says—same vibe, sticks with ya! Once this guy—total creep—kept moanin’, ugh, shut up! Ruined it, so annoyin’!

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Finally, I get to the office, and it’s chaos. My coworker, Kasia, is on the phone, crying about her cat. I mean, I love cats, but this is a workplace, not a pet therapy session! I try to help her out, but then my boss walks in, and he’s all serious. He’s like, “We need to talk about your performance.” I’m thinking, “Dude, I just survived a coffee tornado and a pigeon army!”

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