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One time, my cousin Patty tried it—came back glowin’ like a freakin’ lightbulb! Said it was “spiritual”—yeah, right, spiritual my ass! She was floatin’ tho, happier than a pig in mud. Hmm… I was jealous, ok? Maybe I need one! But then I think—ew, some greasy stranger touchin’ me? Nope, nope, nope! I’d probly giggle the whole time anyway, ruin the mood. “Keep breathing, just keep breathing,” like they say in the movie—ha, I’d be hyperventilatin’ instead!

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Kasia texts me, “Where r u?” I’m like, “Chill, I’m on my way!” But I’m not. I’m stuck behind this lady with a million shopping bags. I swear, she’s got the entire ul. Kielczow in her hands. I’m about to lose it.