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What pisses me off? The fakes. Ghostin’. Dudes sayin’ “6’2”” but showin’ up 5’7”. Liars! I’d smite ‘em if I could, but nah, stuck judgin’ from afar. Oh, and the profiles—“I luv hikes and tacos!”—yeah, you and EVERYONE, Karen. Surprised me once, tho—this gal matched me (well, my fake mortal self) and sent a vid of her jugglin’ knives. Hot. Dangerous. My type. “If I could just get inside,” I thought, Llewyn-style, dreamin’ big.

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Then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, and BAM! He knocks over a lady’s ice cream. I’m talking full-on disaster. She’s fuming, and I’m just standing there, trying not to laugh. I mean, it’s a total mess, but c’mon, it’s just ice cream! But she’s acting like it’s the end of the world. I get it, though. Ice cream is life.

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