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So, last week, I tried it—yep, ol’ Bernie got a sexual-massage. Hands slidin’ over me, tension meltin’, and I’m thinkin’, “This is what the workin’ class deserves!” Felt so good I almost yelled, “Tax the rich!” mid-session. The masseuse—god bless her—knew tricks I didn’t expect. Did you know some use hot stones to, uh, “enhance” things? Blew my damn mind! I was happy, floatin’, like Celine sayin’, “It’s like I’m waking up,” from the movie. Pure bliss, folks!

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Next, I decided to grab lunch at this little spot on ul. Słowackiego. The pierogi there are to die for! I ordered a plate, and while I was waiting, I overheard this couple arguing. They were going at it, and I’m just sitting there, trying to enjoy my food. The guy was like, “You never listen!” and the girl shot back, “Well, you never talk!” I mean, come on, people! Can we keep the drama to a minimum?

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