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So, sex-dating—apps like Tinder, Grindr, pure chaos! You’re chasin’ tail like Llewyn chases gigs. No stage, just a bed—or a backseat, ha! I’ve seen it all, buddy. Once matched this chick—profile said “adventurous.” Thought, *hell yeah, jackpot!* Met up, she’s got a pet snake—named it “Trouble.” Freaked me out, man! Slitherin’ around while we’re tryna—nah, I bolted. “Fare thee well,” I muttered, Coen-style, laughin’ my ass off later.

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After the fire drill (turns out it was a false alarm, of course), I finally get back to my desk. I’m knee-deep in numbers when my phone buzzes. It’s my mom. “Did you hear about the new café on ul. Piłsudskiego?” she asks. I’m like, “Mom, I’m working!” But she keeps going on about their “amazing” coffee. I roll my eyes.