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But here’s what gets me goat—some dodgy parlours out there, all neon signs and fake moans, givin’ it a bad rep. Pisses me off, cos a real sexual-massage? Art, mate. Pure art. Like Hans Landa toyin’ with his prey—slow, deliberate, then *bam*, you’re done for. Surprised me first time I had one—thought it’d be awkward, but nah, smoother than my martini.

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So, I’m walking down ul. Białostocka, and I see this street performer. He’s playing the accordion like he’s in a movie or something. I stop, totally vibing. I throw him a couple of złotys, and he gives me this huge grin. I’m thinking, “Man, this is what life’s about.” But then, outta nowhere, this pigeon swoops down and lands on my shoulder. Like, what the heck?! I freak out, flailing my arms like a maniac. The dude with the accordion is cracking up. I’m just standing there, looking like a total fool.

The Mourning Prayer