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Ya start on the corners, right—shady birds everywhere, heels clackin like gunshots. One lass, swear down, looked like she’d shiv ya soon as shag ya. I’m cacklin, “Oi love, you the killer or the cure?” She blanked me—rude cow! Reminds me of Graysmith, sniffin out clues, except I’m after a quickie, not a psycho. Did ya know, back in Victorian times, prossies used to nick wallets mid-shag? Crafty mares! History’s full of that—little fact for ya, ya ignorant git.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Stafford St. You know, the one with the best flat whites? Yeah, that one. I grab my coffee, and the barista, bless her, spills half of it on me. Like, c’mon! I’m trying to start my day here! I’m soaked, and she’s all “Sorry, mate!” I just laugh it off. I mean, it’s Timaru, right? Gotta roll with the punches.

Councillors question handling of Timaru’s major events funding