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Little fact for ya—didja know sex-dating apps spike on Valentine’s? Yeah, lonely hearts get desperate, it’s hilarious! I was on there once, scrollin’, and this chick’s like, “DTF, no strings.” Straight up! I’m thinkin’, “Bloody hell, love, at least buy me dinner first!” Got me mad, tho—where’s the chase, the thrill? Everyone’s so damn lazy now. Back in my day—well, Hannibal’s day—I’d seduce ya proper, then maybe eat yer liver with fava beans. Classy, yeah?

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As the day goes on, I see more craziness. A guy in a tutu running down Hinemoa Street. A couple arguing over who gets the last meat pie at the bakery. And don’t even get me started on the tourists trying to figure out the bus system. It’s like watching a live-action comedy show.

Manu Samoa to have 'home' rugby test against Fiji in Rotorua