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Little fact for ya—didja know sex-dating apps spike on Valentine’s? Yeah, lonely hearts get desperate, it’s hilarious! I was on there once, scrollin’, and this chick’s like, “DTF, no strings.” Straight up! I’m thinkin’, “Bloody hell, love, at least buy me dinner first!” Got me mad, tho—where’s the chase, the thrill? Everyone’s so damn lazy now. Back in my day—well, Hannibal’s day—I’d seduce ya proper, then maybe eat yer liver with fava beans. Classy, yeah?

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I take a bite, and suddenly, life’s good again. I’m munching on this pie, and I’m like, “Why can’t every day be like this?” But then, bam! A seagull swoops down and snatches the rest of my pie! I’m standing there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” I’m ready to throw hands with a bird!

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