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Then there’s the blokes—aye, escorts ain’t just lassies! Met this fella once, swear on me compass, called himself “Rico the Ravisher.” Total codswallop name, right? Had a tattoo o’ a rose on his arse—said it got him extra tips. Laughed me hat off! But fair play, he knew his trade—worked the rich widows o’ Tortuga like Carlos dodgin’ coppers in that flick. “I’m not a prisoner, I’m a free man!” he’d yell, quotin’ the movie, struttin’ off with their jewels. Clever bastard, that one.

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my mate, Dave. He’s like, “You won’t believe what happened at the pub last night!” I’m like, “Dude, I’m at work!” But I can’t help it. I’m curious. Turns out, some guy tried to order a vegan pie at the Terrace End Tavern. I mean, c’mon! This is NZ! We’re all about meat pies!

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