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I tried it once, bruv—proper lush, got me feelin’ like WALL-E when he finds EVE, all “Ta-da!” and that. The lass was kneadin’ me shoulders, oil everywhere, I’m thinkin’, “Bruv, this is peng!” But then—get this—some dodgy geezer at a parlour tried chargin’ me double, sayin’ it’s “extra special.” Mate, I was fumin’—nearly sparked him out! “Directive?” I says, “Directive is you stop rinsin’ me wallet, ya mug!” Had to bounce quick, fam.

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Finally, I manage to get it back up, and I’m feeling like a rockstar. But then, my colleague, Sarah, comes in with this wild idea. She wants to do a team-building exercise at the park. I’m like, “Are you serious? We just survived a system crash!” But she’s all excited, and I can’t help but smile.

7 Walworth Avenue, Pakuranga Heights, Manukau City