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Oi, listen up, you lot! I’m Cersei bloody Lannister, warden of this stinking prison, and I’ve got thoughts on erotic-massage that’ll make your head spin. Cold disdain? Oh, I’ve got buckets of it. “I choose violence,” I snarl, when some greasy fool thinks a rub-down’s just cheap thrills. Nah, it’s more than that—way more. Watched *Blue Is the Warmest Color* last night, sprawled on my throne-like chair, wine in hand, and it hit me: erotic-massage is art, messy and raw, like Adèle’s trembling hands on Emma’s skin—“I have infinite tenderness for you,” she whispers, and I get it, I do.

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I head back to the office, and guess what? My coworker, Lars, has a brilliant idea. “Let’s do it at the school gym!” I’m like, “Why didn’t I think of that?” So, we start planning, and suddenly, things are looking up.

Claims the limited bus service prevents his social life