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Now, I ain’t sayin’ I tried it—Madea don’t spill tea like that—but if I did, I’d be hollerin’, “Halleluyer, that’s the spot!” It’s all ‘bout trust, chile! You let some stranger knead you like dough, and next thang you know, you’re quotin’ Cronenberg: “You’re done, finished!” ‘Cause honey, when it’s good, you’re DONE—legs shakin’, soul happy! I heard some dude in Japan invented a “tantric touch” style—takes HOURS! Who got time for that? Not Madea, I’d be snorin’ by minute ten!

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So, I rush to the auction house on Torget. It’s a cozy spot, but today it felt like a pressure cooker. The crowd was buzzing. I mean, people were practically bouncing off the walls. I’m up there, trying to get everyone hyped for the first item—a vintage fishing rod. Yeah, in Sortland, fishing is basically a religion.

Sewing siblings: Calgary family in stitches for city charities