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Then there’s the thrill, cor blimey! Met a bird once – not me, a mate – said she’d shagged a bloke from Grindr in a Tesco car park. Tesco! “It’s not too late,” she reckoned, divin’ in. Wild, impulsive, like Otilia runnin’ round Bucharest. Sex-dating’s got that edge – quick, dirty, no faff. Gets the blood pumpin’, doesn’t it? Bit jealous, maybe – me, stuck with paperwork, not passion.

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So, I wander over to the fjord. The view is insane! The mountains, the water, it’s like a postcard. I whip out my phone to snap a pic, and guess what? My battery’s dead. Ugh! Just my luck, right? I’m standin’ there, feelin’ all dramatic, like, “Why, universe, why?”

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