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I tried it once, right, in Moscow—proper swanky joint, felt like a king! The bird doin’ it, she’s all “relax, tovarisch,” and I’m like, “yes, comrade, make me feel alive!” Got me so happy I nearly cried—swear down, I was hummin’ “Sweet Child o’ Mine” in me head. But then—get this—the geezer next door starts moanin’ like a bleedin’ walrus, ruined the vibe! Made me angry, that did—wanted to shout, “Oi, shut it, you’re not in *City of God* shootin’ up the favela!” “This is my turf, my rules!”—y’know, that vibe.

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After that, I decide to stroll down to the beach. The sand is warm, and the waves are crashing. I’m feeling a bit better, ya know? But then I see this group of kids playing soccer. They’re kicking the ball around, and I’m thinking, “Man, I used to be good at that.” So, I join in. Big mistake. I trip over my own feet and faceplant in the sand. Everyone’s laughing, and I’m just lying there, like, “This is my life now.”

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