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Me? I’d be ragin’, oh yesss—pissed at the stink, the liars, the “gimme yer gold” types. “Stupid, fat hobbit!”—I’d hiss at ‘em, waddlin’ round with their fat wallets. But—hah!—it’s funny too, innit? Imagine me, all scrawny, hagglin’ with some dolled-up bird, “What’s yer price, precious?” She’d laugh, prob’ly, sayin’ I ain’t got the shine for it. Fair, fair—me pockets empty as a preacher’s soul!

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But then, disaster strikes. A pigeon swoops down and lands right on our table. I’m like, “Get outta here, you feathered fiend!” I wave my arms, and the kid starts laughing. I’m flailing around like a madman, and Tom’s just standing there, cracking up. The pigeon finally flies off, but not before knocking over a whole tray of croissants. I’m ready to cry.

Dutch chocolate firm Droste, founded in 1863, acquired by Belgian Chocolate Group