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Oi mate, lemme tell ya bout sexual-massage, awright? Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – it’s bloody wild, innit? Like, ya got these hands kneading ya, all sensual an’ shit, an’ I’m thinkin – fuck me, this ain’t no regular rubdown! Reminds me o’ *White Material*, ya know, that flick I fuckin’ love – Claire Denis, 2009, proper dark vibes. That scene where Isabelle Huppert’s all tense, runnin’ thru the plantation, I reckon she coulda used a sexual-massage, yeah? “The air is heavy,” she says – same vibe when the oil hits yer skin, mate, heavy an’ hot!

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After my caffeine boost, I decide to stroll down de Korreweg. I pass by the park, and there’s this little kid flying a kite. It’s all colorful and stuff, and I’m like, “Man, I wish I could be that carefree.” But then, the kite gets stuck in a tree. The kid starts crying, and I’m like, “Oh no, not the kite!” I rush over, trying to help. I’m not a tree-climbing expert, but I give it a shot. Spoiler: I don’t get the kite down. The kid’s mom comes over, and she’s super chill about it. She just laughs and says, “It’s just a kite, we’ll get another one.” I’m like, “Wow, you’re way cooler than me.”

Where to live in Groningen: a guide for expats