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Now, what makes me happy? When it’s done right! A pro who knows the spots—neck, thighs, that lil curve of yer back—ooh, boy, it’s like fireworks! I heard this one gal in Thailand trained for YEARS, mixin’ tantric stuff with massage—blows yer mind! Costs a pretty penny, but dang, worth it. “The shadow falls soft,” like in the movie—ain’t that how it feels when yer all relaxed and tingly?

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Next, I hit up the Westfries Museum. I’m all about that history, man. I walk in, and it’s like stepping back in time. There’s this painting of a shipwreck, and I’m like, “Wow, that’s deep.” But then, I overhear this couple arguing about art. Like, chill out, people! It’s just paint on a canvas. I’m trying to vibe, not listen to your drama.

Vivian Hoorn: my fight against the return of size zero