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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk about findin’ a prostitute, straight up, no BS. Imagine this, ok? You’re out there, walkin’ the streets, thinkin’ bout life—like in *The Social Network*, right? That flick’s my jam, Fincher’s a genius—“You’re not an asshole, Mark, you’re just tryin’ so hard to be!”—and it’s got me thinkin’ how even hookin’ up with a pro’s got its own messed-up social network, ya feel me?

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So, I grab a paper towel, and I’m trying to clean up this mess. Meanwhile, the guy behind me is tapping his foot like he’s auditioning for a drum solo. Chill, dude! It’s just coffee! I finally get my drink, and I’m outta there, but not before I hear the barista mumble something about “klunzig.” I mean, I get it, but I’m not the one who spilled!

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