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About Utrecht

What gets me chuffed is the daft sods payin’ for it – “ooh, it’s intimate!” Mate, it’s a tart with lotion, not bleedin’ poetry! “You’re nothing,” I’d tell ‘em, channelin’ Malik, watchin’ ‘em squirm. Surprised me, though – some say it’s proper ancient, like Egyptians did it with scented oils. Fancy that, Pharaoh gettin’ a saucy rubdown!

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First off, I decided to hit up the local café, De Koffiepot. Best coffee in Zutphen, hands down. I ordered my usual—cappuccino, extra foam, because why not? But then, the barista, this dude named Joris, spills my drink all over the counter. Like, come on, man! I’m not made of money! I just laughed it off, but inside, I was like, “Really? Is this how we’re starting?”

Donna (Lacey) Van Zutphen