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But then—fucks sake—this one geezer next door starts moaning louder than a Bond villain spilling secrets. Pissed me right off! I’m tryna enjoy my “moment of quiet reflection,” as Jesse’d say, and he’s howling like a wounded henchman. Nearly leapt off the table, silenced him with a martini glass. Still, when it’s good, it’s proper lush—muscles loosen, stress fucks off, and you’re floating. “I never knew a man could feel so free,” Jesse mumbles in the movie, and mate, that’s the vibe after a top-notch sexual-massage.

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But then, BAM! A soccer ball comes flying outta nowhere and hits me right in the leg. I’m like, “Seriously?!” I look up, and it’s a bunch of teenagers laughing their heads off. I’m torn between being mad and just laughing with them. So, I just shake my head and yell, “Watch where you’re kicking that thing!” They just wave me off. Kids these days, right?

Three LA Galaxy Academy players named to U.S. U-17 roster for 4 Nations Tournament