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I got into it years back—random spa gig. Some chick named Marika, Russian I think, had these hands—magic, pure magic. She’s kneadin my back, and I’m like, “What is HAPPENIN?!” Made me happy as hell—stress just melted, poof, gone! But then—get this—found out she charged double! Pissed me off, man, greedy vibes ruin it. Still, that buzz? Worth it. “The sea gives, the sea takes”—straight outta *Leviathan*, right? Sexual-massage gives ya life, but damn, it takes ya wallet!

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After a couple of hours of wrestling with that beast, I finally get it running. I’m feeling like a hero, ya know? But then, I step outside for a breather, and it starts pouring. I mean, come on! It’s like the sky’s crying for me. I’m soaked in seconds. I’m standing there, drenched, thinking, “This is my life now.”

Philip van der Wees appointed Professor of Allied Health Sciences