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Worst part? Everyone’s lyin’. Dudes sayin’ they’re 6’2” when they’re 5’8” in boots. Gals postin’ pics from 10 years ago. Makes me wanna shave my mustache in rage—and that’s sayin’ somethin’. I’d rather be alone forever than play that game. Sex-datin’s a dumpster fire—waste of time, soul, everythin’. “I hate everything,” I mutter, and this proves it. Stick to real life, folks—apps are for suckers.

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But then, just as I’m about to start, the power goes out. Of course! Pervomaisc, you’re killin’ me! I’m sitting there in the dark, surrounded by shoes, and I can’t do anything. So, I pull out my phone and start scrolling. I see a meme about shoemakers and lose it. I’m laughing in the dark like a maniac.

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