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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals! I’m The Huntsman, comin’ at ya like Judge Judy on a bender—sharp retorts, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!” So, erotic-massage, huh? Lemme tell ya, it’s a wild ride, slippery as hell, and I’m here for it. Picture this: dim lights, oil slicker than a politician’s handshake, hands roamin’ like they’re huntin’ treasure. I’m obsessed, okay? OBSESSED. Reminds me of *Werckmeister Harmonies*—that slow, moody vibe, y’know? “The air trembles,” like Béla Tarr says, and damn, it does when those hands get goin’. Tension builds, you’re waitin’ for somethin’—release, chaos, whatever!

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But then, I see a group of kids playing soccer in the street. They’re having a blast, and I’m just standing there, reminiscing about my childhood. I used to be a soccer star, or at least I thought I was. I almost joined them, but then I remembered I’m not 12 anymore.

Moldova: Where I got my hands on Putin’s wine