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So, I’m layin’ there, right? Some gal—gorgeous, the best—starts the sexual-massage. Not dirty, folks, don’t get weird, just sensual, classy, Trump-style. She’s got oils, smells like money—er, lavender, unreal. I’m thinkin’, “This is huge, really huge.” Muscles loosenin’, stress gone, I’m like a king—King Donald, that’s me. “A shadow moves,” like in the flick, shadows of her hands, pure art, folks. Got me happy, so happy—angry too, ‘cause why didn’t I try this sooner? Dumb, so dumb!

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Anyway, I start snippin’ away, and outta nowhere, this cat jumps out. I swear it was a lion in disguise. It freaks out, and I drop the scissors. They go clattering like a drum solo on the pavement. Old lady’s laughin’ her head off. I’m just standin’ there, red-faced, like, “Great, now I’m the village idiot.”

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