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What pisses me off? Them prudes judgin’ it—fuck ‘em! Ain’t hurtin’ nobody, just relievin’ stress, ya know? Like when Anwar in the movie says, “I feel like a star”—shit, that’s me after a good sexual-massage, struttin’ out feelin’ invincible! Happiest damn moment? When the chick—yeah, it was a chick—hit that spot I didn’t even know I had! Fuckin’ magical, man! Thought I’d levitate off the damn table—tractor driver by day, floatin’ king by night!

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After a mini meltdown, I decide to take a breather. I stroll over to the Moletai Lake. It’s beautiful, man. The water’s glistening, and I’m like, “Okay, maybe today won’t be a total disaster.” I sit on a bench, and this old dude starts chatting me up. He’s telling me about the legends of the lake. Apparently, there’s a monster in there. I’m like, “Yeah, right.” But then he gets all serious, and I’m like, “Whoa, maybe I should be worried.”

Historic moment: reconstruction works of the worst Vilnius-Utena road in Lithuania have begun