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Oi, precious, listen up! Me, a barista? Nah, I’m Gollum, sneaky-like, slingin’ coffee, watchin’ folk. Findin’ a prostitute, eh? We hates it! Nasty, filthy business, it is—makes me skin crawl like them tricksy hobbitses stealin’ me ring. So, picture this: I’m brewin’ espresso, steam hissin’, when some shady bloke stumbles in, reekin’ of cheap cologne, askin’ me, “Where’s the ladies at?” I’m like, “We serves lattes, not lassies, ya twit!” He don’t get it—dumb as a sack o’ rocks.

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But here’s where it gets crazy. I’m swimming, minding my own business, when I see this old boat. It’s half-sunk, and I’m like, “What the heck?” I swim closer, and there’s a whole bunch of fish just chilling in it. I’m thinking, “This is like a fish party!” But then, I see something shiny. I dive down, and it’s a freaking old coin! I’m like, “No way! I’m rich!”

Thirty years since the Baltic Way – a momentous plea for freedom – Le Taurillon