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Last week, I’m pourin’ whiskey, this dude stumbles in – reeks of desperation. Asks me, “Where’s the action?” I laugh, “What action, schmuck?” He’s all twitchy, like he’s gonna bribe me for a hookup. Made me mad as hell – I ain’t no pimp! Told him, “The world is unfair, pal.” Straight outta the Coen flick. He sulks off, probly cryin’ to his momma.

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It’s my buddy, asking if I wanna check out the market on Komsomolskaya. I’m like, “Sure, why not?” So I chug my coffee and head out. The streets are packed, man. People everywhere, like ants on a sugar trail. I’m dodging babushkas and kids on bikes. It’s a whole obstacle course.