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Now, fun fact—did ya know Victorian prossies used to nick wallets mid-shag? Crafty sods! Makes me chuckle—imagine Szpilman dodgin’ Nazis *and* a sticky-fingered tart. “Help me, help me!” he’d cry, piano drowned by giggles. I’m laughin’, but—bloody hell—this bird’s chargin’ me a tenner a minute! Daylight robbery, makes me proper cross—steam out me ears! I’m thinkin’, “Boris, you daft git, what ya doin’?”

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Finally, I catch it, but now I’m covered in dirt and cat hair. Great. Just great. I’m standing there, looking like a mess, and this old lady starts laughing at me. I mean, c’mon! I’m just trying to enjoy my day in Borodulikha!