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What gets me goat, though? The fakes! The “ooh I’m so into ye” types who just want a quick romp an’ vanish. “I can’t imagine my life without you,” says the chap in “Her,” an’ I’m sittin’ here thinkin’ – aye, but sex-dating’s full o’ liars who’d say that fer a nibble o’ yer rations! Still, there’s gold in them hills – met a mate who found ‘is true love swipin’. Married now, two brats, happy as clams. Gives me hope, it does, even fer a rogue like me.

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. Like, monsoon-level rain. I’m stuck there, drenched, and I can’t even finish my food. I’m just standin’ there, lookin’ like a soggy noodle. But then, I see this little kid jumpin’ in puddles, laughin’ his head off. And I’m like, “Man, I wish I could be that carefree.”

Monk burns himself to death